I’ve been single all my life. Never had a girlfriend. Never received romantic attention or love from a woman.
For anyone wondering, I am not disfigured or disabled in anyway. I take care of my looks and hygiene. I have a good job, a small but tightly knit group of friends. I have hobbies and interests. I exercise and am in decent shape for my age.
I was single throughout college and university and my 20’s. But I always maintained a positive attitude and an optimistic outlook on life, sincerely believing that things will get better in life and that I will find someone.
A long time ago, I heard that the best way to find someone is to “put yourself out there” and keep meeting new people. I took his advice to heart and over the years, have done the following:
- Joined clubs related to my hobbies and interests and attended meetups.
- attended classes (photography, filmmaking, calligraphy, art related stuff)
- volunteered (animal shelters, charities)
- confided to my few close friends about my loneliness and shamelessly asked them to help me meet people (they responded by inviting me to their events with their other friends)
- did free design, video and sound editing work for someone’s short film project in the hopes that I could build a relationship with them and maybe get a foot in their social circle (this never happened).
While I have met plenty of women, it’s always the case that they a) are taken or b) don’t see me as anything other than a friend. So there’s nothing I can do.
So basically, “putting myself out there” isn’t working. All I’ve done is gather acquaintances who just call me if they need something and forget I exist once I’m done helping them.
I’ve spoken about my struggles to my therapist and she told me things like “be your own best friend”, “work on your hobbies”, “go for walks”, “exercise”, “eat right”, “stay physically fit”, “keep a journal”, “stay positive and open-minded” etc.
Others close to me have said things like “being single has no bearing on your self worth” or “be patient, people find love when they least expect it”.
(I’ll be honest. I find the soul crushing loneliness to be more tolerable than these these empty platitudes because they just come across as insensitive and dismissive. But now I’m beyond the point of caring.)
So in conclusion, I have done all I could to change my situation but looks like life has other plans for me. I’m now a middle-aged man. If I couldn’t find a woman during my youth, I have no reason to believe, in my 40s, that my situation will change for the better in the years to come. And so I am giving up.
Oh, let’s take a breath here. This isn’t just about finding romance; it’s about feeling recognized in your efforts and, frankly, your pain. You’ve tried. And tried. And that is not nothing. It’s everything. But your results—this chronic singleness—aren’t matching your expectations, and it’s wearing you down. Understandably so.
But before you throw in the towel, let’s revisit the essence of what you’re actually seeking. It isn’t just “a girlfriend,” right? It’s connection, recognition, someone to share with and care for who reciprocates that attention and affection. It’s about feeling seen and valued, not just for your helpfulness or your skills, but for you—the person who still hopes, even when that hope is frayed.
First, it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted by the search and the platitudes. Those aren’t filling the gap where mutual affection and companionship should be. Acknowledging this isn’t giving up; it’s giving your feelings their due. That’s important.
Second, it’s also okay to stop “trying” in the ways that have only led to disappointment. Maybe it’s time to shift the focus slightly. You’ve been active in pursuing interests and expanding your social circles, which is great. But how much of this was for you, and how much was in hope of finding someone? There’s a subtle but critical difference. When activities become strategies rather than joys, the disappointment of not meeting someone can taint the whole experience.
Consider focusing deeply on what brings you joy in these activities, without the undercurrent of hunting for romance. This might refresh your energy and could change how others perceive your enthusiasm and engagement. Sometimes, connection finds us when we’re not stretching our necks looking for it.
Third, since the conventional advice hasn’t panned out, why not redefine what companionship could look like for you? Maybe it’s deepening a few friendships, or finding a community where you feel a sense of belonging, regardless of the dating potential. Connection can come in many forms, and while it might not be romantic, it can still be profoundly fulfilling.
Lastly, let’s talk about the idea of giving up. If stepping back means reducing stress and sadness, then it’s not surrender—it’s self-care. But if it means closing off to potential happiness because the past hasn’t worked out, then it’s worth questioning. Maybe there’s a middle ground where you continue living fully, openly, but without the heavy mantle of “must find love” on your shoulders.
You’re not just a middle-aged man who has never had a girlfriend. You’re a person with value, with interests, with a capacity for growth and happiness that may or may not include romance. You deserve peace with that, and sometimes, finding peace in where you are is the most attractive thing you can do—not just for others, but for yourself.