My mom (70) “retired” a few years ago despite not being nearly financially secure enough to do so. Cut to today and she currently has 6k remaining in her 401k with no other savings, and is just over 100k in debt (43k remaining on mortgage, 23k car debt across two cars, 25k credit card debt, 10k in other loans).
Monthly expenses including minimum payments on all loans is $4k ($1k housing, $520 utilities, $800 food/necessities, $675 car payments, $1k credit card/loan payments), and she gets $1.5k a month in social security benefits, so there is a $2.5k deficit that needs to be paid each month which she has been paying with a combination of credit cards and 401k withdrawals.
I was just recently made aware of the situation (she has always been unwilling to share any details about her finances with me until now) and I am genuinely at a loss for how to help.
We are working on lowering her monthly expenses by applying to some local assistance programs and cutting back on utilities, but this will likely only result in savings in the low hundreds. I have suggested that she sell one of her cars (worth 20k and 10k) but she seems unwilling to do that. She also says that she has been looking for part time work but has been unable to find a job. She is only willing to consider applying to part time, fully remote jobs that require very basic computer or clerical skills (for reference she worked as an administrative assistant most of her life).
Any advice on how to go about navigating this situation financially would be greatly appreciated.
Some extra context – 1. She is supporting one of my siblings who lives with her and quit their job 5+ years ago and is also unwilling to work. 2. My mom was very abusive to me growing up, so we have had an extremely negative relationship my entire life. That coupled with her unwillingness to consider realistic job opportunities make me very reluctant to jeopardize my own financial future by giving her a significant amount of money each month. Am I wrong to feel this way?Elderly parent has significant debt and no job
You’re facing a deeply challenging situation, and it’s clear you care a lot about your mother’s wellbeing despite the complex history between you. However, you’ve hit a critical point where it’s necessary to recognize that help can only go so far when the other party is unwilling to help themselves.
Your mother has several viable options to stabilize her financial situation—selling one or both cars, getting a job, or even more drastic measures like selling the house to downsize and eliminate debt. These are practical steps that would significantly relieve financial pressure. Yet, if she’s unwilling to consider these steps, there’s a limit to what you can or should do.
It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for your mother’s financial decisions or the consequences of those decisions. She made choices that led to her current situation, and while it’s tough to watch a loved one struggle, jeopardizing your financial future would not solve her problems—it would only extend the cycle of poor financial management.
Regarding your sibling who lives with her and doesn’t contribute financially, this adds an additional layer of complexity. Any financial support you give your mother could indirectly support your sibling’s unwillingness to work. This is not a burden you need to take on.
Your main focus should be on protecting your own financial stability. You might consider helping your mother connect with a financial advisor or a debt counselor who can help her understand her situation more clearly and guide her towards making necessary changes. Local low-income senior housing could be another resource to help alleviate her housing costs in the long term.
As for your involvement, keep it to guidance and emotional support where you can. It’s crucial not to get financially entangled by co-signing on loans or taking on any financial responsibilities that link your finances with hers.
Encouraging her to sell assets or downsizing her living situation might help, but ultimately, she needs to make these decisions herself. It might be beneficial for her to hear this advice from a professional advisor, as sometimes hearing difficult truths from an outside perspective can be more impactful.
Take care of yourself first and foremost. It’s not selfish to prioritize your financial health, especially in a situation where your efforts to help are not being matched by readiness or willingness to change on the other side.
Best wishes