Whenever I see an attractive girl and think to myself, hey, why not try and approach her, I literally can’t think of any scenario in which she might be interested in me. It’s not just the potential rejection, I just can’t see myself as someone who is sexually or romantically desired by someone else. I feel like I am already like a sweet old man, someone who may be pleasant to be around, but is completely non-sexual to pretty much anybody, safe equally old loved ones.
I can’t understand how someone “falls” for somebody else, how people can be “charming” and consciously make people like them and “seduce” them. I don’t understand how anybody employing the tactics that pickup-artists utilize can even have any semblance of success, apart of course from being so attractive that it doesn’t matter at all what they are saying.
I don’t know how I can present and ultimately view myself as someone who is “sexy”, I feel like all my friends get way more female attention just by existing in a room while I might as well be furniture. And not even a pretty one at that.
First things first—let’s put down the playbook you imagine everyone else is reading from. This isn’t about pickup lines, seduction tactics, or any kind of magical charisma that someone is either born with or without. It’s about you, and how you see yourself, and oh, what a painfully self-defeating view you’ve laid out here.
It sounds to me like you’re standing in your own way, not because you lack some mythical “charm” quality, but because you’ve decided you’re the wallpaper rather than the art. And that decision? It’s more potent in shaping your interactions than any pickup artist’s strategy ever could be.
Let’s address this identity you’ve crafted: the “sweet old man” persona. It’s safe, isn’t it? By assuming this role, you avoid the risk of rejection because you’re not even in the game. You’ve benched yourself. But here’s the thing: you’re not an old man. You’re someone who has yet to see their own potential.
Everyone can be desirable in their own unique way—it’s not a privilege reserved for the few. Desirability isn’t just about physical appearance; it’s about presence, passion, interest, and being genuinely engaged with life and others.
You mention not understanding how people can be charming and seduce others. Here’s a secret: Most lasting attractions come from simply being genuine. People are drawn to authenticity. They’re attracted to those who are comfortable in their own skin, who can laugh, listen, and connect.
So, how do you start seeing yourself as someone who can be romantically or sexually desirable? It begins with working on your self-esteem. It’s about recognizing the qualities you appreciate in yourself and understanding that these qualities are valuable and attractive to others. Are you kind, funny, thoughtful, creative? Start there. Those are attractive qualities.
Also, consider the narrative you’re telling yourself when you enter a room. Instead of “I’m just furniture,” how about “I’m here, and I have something to offer”? How you feel about yourself influences how people see you.
If you’re truly stumped, therapy can be a great tool. It’s not just for crises; it’s for moments like these, when you’re struggling to align your self-perception with the reality of who you can be. A good therapist can help you unpack these feelings and build the confidence you need to see yourself in a new light.
Lastly, ditch the comparisons with your friends. This isn’t a competition. This is about finding a way to be comfortable with who you are, because that’s the person someone else will fall for—not a version of you that wears a mask of charm or seduction.
Be patient with yourself, and start small. Recognize your worth, step by step, and others will begin to see it too.