Basically, I’m 34M that still lives with his parents. I am full time employed as a software tester, own my own car and I make sure to help around the house (organizing my room without being told, taking out trash, regularly doing dishes and helping out carrying heavy stuff and groceries and more. I can also do the laundry and cook a few basic stuff when I want to).
Also, there was a short period of time where I did rent out and live on my own (work place that was far at another city), but that job opportunity didn’t work out and so I came back home and lately found a new job that is going ok so far.
All of this is to say that I am fully capable adult and not some “mommies boy” or whatever the stereotype is for living at home at an older age. I do it mostly because it is the smarter thing to do financially – saving up money and allowing me to enjoy more things that I like to do (movies, I go out salsa dancing, buying tech/pc/video games that I enjoy and more). My plan is if I meet the right person – I have zero hesitation to move in with them once things are ready. Or if we become more serious, only then start looking for a place of my own so that we can have more privacy and such.
A good friend of mine said that’s all fine and dandy, and he knows me that I am not a slacker or such – but that women that I meet do not know that and that the “optics” of living at home are a major turn off for a lot of women and that this is most likely hurting my chances.
So I’m kind of torn on this… I want more success with dating and I am looking for something serious, but on the other I don’t really feel the NEED to live on my own for the time being.
First off, let’s give credit where it’s due. You’re employed, you’re pitching in around the house, you’ve lived on your own before – you’re not some stereotypical basement-dwelling man-child. Kudos to you for being a responsible adult.
But here’s the rub: Your friend has a point about optics. Like it or not, many women in their 30s are looking for a partner who’s got their domestic life on lock. A grown man bunking with Mom and Dad, even for totally valid financial reasons, can raise some eyebrows and set off some alarm bells.
Is it totally fair? Nah. But in the ruthless world of dating, perceptions matter. And the perception is often that if a guy hasn’t flown the parental coop by his mid-30s, there might be some maturity or independence issues lurking beneath the surface. Cue the side-eye and the “thanks but no thanks.”
So does this mean you need to run out and rent a bachelor pad just to impress the ladies? Not necessarily. But it DOES mean you need to be upfront, self-aware and have a clear narrative around your living situation.
When dating, be transparent from the get-go that you live with your folks. Explain your reasoning – you’re being financially prudent, you have a solid exit plan, you’re not just mooching indefinitely. Show, through your actions and demeanor, that you’re a fully functional adult who happens to live at home, not an overgrown teenager.
And for the love of Cupid, make sure your space is clean, your interactions with your parents are mature and boundaried, and you’re being proactively thoughtful about privacy and alone time when your love interest is over. No one wants to feel like they’re dating a high schooler, complete with heavy petting on the basement couch while trying not to wake your snoring dad in the recliner.
Ultimately, the right person for you will understand your situation and appreciate your practical approach. But to give yourself the best shot at romantic success, you may need to work a little harder to demonstrate your boyfriend bona fides. Show up as the independent, responsible, considerate catch that you are, and trust that your living arrangement won’t be a dealbreaker for the right match.
At the same time, start coming up with a concrete plan for getting your own place in the near-ish future, even if you don’t pull the trigger right away. Not only will it give you a compelling narrative when dating (“I’m actually saving up to move out this fall”), but it’ll put you in a position of being ABLE to relocate quickly if Madame Right comes along and cohabitating becomes the right move.
In the end, there’s no shame in your multi-generational game. Plenty of smart, sexy, eminently dateable folks are living at home these days. The key is owning it with maturity, self-awareness and a clear-eyed plan for the future.
Lead with your strengths, be upfront about your situation, keep showing up as the kick-ass adult you are, and trust that the right partner will recognize a good thing under any roof.
All the best!