We have a newborn, and my husband is such a deep sleeper that his agreed upon night shift barely happens. The baby will start fussing and sucking on his sleeves because he’s hungry, but my husband won’t wake up. Sometimes he’ll briefly wake up, shush the baby for a few seconds, and go right back to sleep. The baby stays hungry, I stay awake listening to it, and eventually I have to shake my husband awake and practically beg him to feed our son so I can get back to sleep.
Last night around 2 a.m., the baby started fussing and crying to eat. I woke my husband, and he said, “He’s fine. Let him fuss for a bit.” But I can’t sleep through it, and the whole point of his shift is so I can get the sleep I desperately need. I’m struggling with severe postpartum depression, including frightening thoughts about myself. My therapist and psychiatrist have both stressed that getting more sleep is critical for my recovery. My husband knows all of this.
I explained it to him again in the middle of the night, and he still refused to get up. I finally told him it felt like he was just waiting until 3 a.m., when my shift starts, so I’d end up feeding the baby anyway. He yelled, “F*** off,” grabbed the baby, and finally got up.
This has become a nightly fight. I’m exhausted, I don’t trust him to handle his shift, and we don’t have another room where I can sleep. I’m honestly starting to wonder if I should leave because I feel completely unimportant and unsupported.
Your husband needs to grow the f up. This is unacceptable.
I don’t care if he’s a deep sleeper. He became a father. Fathers don’t get to shrug and say, “I’m hard to wake up,” while their wife, who is in the middle of severe postpartum depression, has to beg them to take care of their own child.
Your doctors have already told you that sleep is part of your treatment. This isn’t about you wanting a break. This is about your health. Your husband knows that, and he’s still making you fight for every minute of sleep you get. Then, when you tell him how desperate you are, he tells you to “F*** off.” That’s not partnership. That’s failure.
Could he genuinely sleep through the baby? Sure. Then it’s his job to figure out how to stop sleeping through the baby. Set ten alarms. Sleep next to the bassinet. Drink a cup of coffee before his shift. Stand up when the baby cries. Splash water on his face. I don’t care what the solution is. He’s an adult. Figure it out.
Right now, you’re carrying the baby, your recovery, your mental health, and his responsibilities too. That’s not sustainable.
Don’t make the decision to leave at 2 a.m. after another exhausting fight. Make that decision in the daylight after you’ve had a chance to think clearly. But you absolutely need to have a conversation that goes something like this:
“This arrangement is over because it isn’t working. My doctors have said I need sleep to recover, and I cannot keep begging you every night to parent your own child. Either you find a way to reliably handle your shift, or we find another solution immediately. Doing nothing is no longer an option.”
And if he still minimizes your postpartum depression, refuses to change, or keeps treating you with contempt, then you have to ask yourself a hard question: if he won’t show up for you when you’re at your lowest, when exactly is he planning to show up?
You deserve a partner, not another person you have to wake up, manage, and plead with while you’re barely keeping your own head above water.