My son is 20 and is in a relationship with his 19 year old first cousin. He is an adult, lives on his own, and from a legal standpoint, he is not doing anything wrong because relationships between first cousins are legal in our state.
I obviously do not like the situation, but I also love my son and want to continue supporting him. I am struggling with how to handle something I strongly disagree with without pushing him away. What would you do in my situation?
Your son is 20. He lives on his own. You do not get a vote anymore.
That does not mean you have to approve of this relationship. It does not mean you have to pretend you are comfortable with it. And it certainly does not mean you need to celebrate something that deeply bothers you.
But your job has changed.
When he was a kid, your job was to make decisions for him. Now your job is to tell him the truth when it matters, love him, and allow him to live with his own choices.
I would sit down with him once, calmly, and say what needs to be said. Tell him you love him. Tell him this relationship makes you uncomfortable and that you have serious concerns about what it could mean for him, for her, and for the larger family. Ask him whether he has really thought through the consequences beyond whether it is legal.
Then listen.
Do not turn every dinner, phone call, or family gathering into another argument about his relationship. If you repeatedly try to convince him to end it, there is a good chance you will not end the relationship. You will simply teach your son to stop talking to you about it.
And that is the last thing I would want.
You can support your son without supporting every decision he makes. Those are two different things.
Keep the relationship with your son intact. Be honest about your boundaries. Do not lie for him, cover for him, or demand that other family members accept the relationship. At the same time, do not humiliate him or his cousin, recruit relatives to pressure them, or threaten to cut him off simply because you cannot control his decision.
There is not much you can do beyond that. But if they are serious about building a future together and plan on having children, I would strongly encourage them to get genetic counseling. That is not about shaming them or trying to scare them. It is about making sure they understand the potential genetic risks and can make informed decisions about having children.
You have influence here, but only if you stop trying to have control.
Tell the truth once. Keep your boundaries. Encourage them to take the future seriously. Leave the door open. And let your adult son own what happens next.