I got married earlier this year. Long story short, we had been back and forth for a few years and I finally knuckled down and pushed through my doubts and issues because I trusted it would work out and be a positive step for me. Now that I’m in the middle of it, I keep having major triggers and it’s feeding some deep regret and leading me into a depression.
The largest concern of all is that she isn’t particularly intelligent. I ask you hear me out. I can’t express myself with her since she doesn’t seem to understand what I say if I enter any level of complexity that either includes anything above a high school vocabulary or that involves any degree of current events or history. She can’t spell, and uses Grammarly for spelling and grammar constantly. Asking even for her opinion on something usually brings a quick response like “yea, it’s really interesting.” I frequently do feel like I’m talking to a teenager.
She has a small vocabulary, where she calls anything that isn’t a completely ordinary household item a “thingie” or “you know, that thing”. For a while it was endearing and fun to joke with her about it, but now I’m realizing how much I’m growing tired of feeling like a teacher or the know it all just because I am more intellectual and enjoy learning, reading, writing, etc.
All this has started to feed a deep disappointment and depression that I feel that “this is my life” and I am afraid to now move forward with kids and the rest of our lives if I’m not happy.
If her intellectual limitations are really this obvious, they didn’t suddenly appear when you exchanged vows. You had years to know how she spoke, what interested her, and whether she could engage you intellectually.
And you married her anyway.
So maybe you’re not nearly as intelligent as you like to think you are.
You’ve constructed a story where you’re the intellectual adult who somehow woke up married to a woman who can’t keep up with him. But you knew who she was. You even admit you had doubts and “pushed through” them because you thought marriage would be a positive step for you.
You made that choice. You don’t get to turn around now and treat your wife like she’s the disappointing product you ended up with.
And being well read doesn’t automatically make you wise. Having a large vocabulary doesn’t make you mature. Knowing history and current events doesn’t make you a good husband. Maybe you genuinely need more intellectual connection than your wife can give you. That’s fair. But before declaring yourself intellectually mismatched, ask yourself a harder question: Have you become arrogant?
There’s a big difference between saying, “I’m lonely because I can’t have the kinds of conversations I want with my wife,” and saying, “I feel like I’m talking to a teenager.”
One is loneliness. The other is contempt. And contempt will destroy your marriage.
So stop planning for kids. Get into marriage counseling. Figure out whether you actually respect this woman and whether this marriage can be repaired. And get some individual help with the depression and regret you’re describing, because you need to figure out how much of this is about your marriage and how much you’re putting on your wife.
Maybe you married the wrong person.
But you also need to consider that your wife may not be the only person in this marriage who has some growing up to do.