My partner, 36M, and I, 31F, have been together for four and a half years and were friends for several years before that.
He works in tech and I work in education, so he was already earning more than me. Two months ago, though, he accepted a new position that more than doubled his salary. He now makes almost three times what I do.
We have talked about marriage since early in our relationship and have been discussing it seriously for about a year. Neither of us wants a wedding or an expensive engagement ring. We just want to sign the paperwork, buy two nice gold bands, and take a honeymoon.
Today, I sent him a wedding band I liked. He told me we needed to talk. Later, he said he wanted to put our marriage plans on hold because our financial situation is now “more complicated.” He said he needs to research how other couples handle situations like ours.
When I asked if this meant he no longer wanted to marry me, he said, “It means I don’t want to talk about it until I figure some stuff out.”
I’m hurt and honestly panicking a little. During the first two years we dated, I made about three times what he did while he was earning minimum wage. His income never made me question whether I wanted to marry him.
Now that he is the one making significantly more money, it is hard not to wonder whether he suddenly sees marriage to me differently because he feels like he has more to lose.
At the same time, I don’t actually know if that is what he means. I’m worried I may be assuming the worst. I don’t know how seriously I should take this or what I should do next.
I would see this as a red flag.
Not because he makes more money than you. Not because he might want a prenup. And not because couples should not talk seriously about finances before getting married.
The red flag is that you have been together for four and a half years, talking seriously about marriage for a year, and suddenly, two months after his salary more than doubled, marriage is on hold because things are now “more complicated.”
That timing matters.
When you were making three times what he made, you did not decide that marriage suddenly required more research. You did not make him prove that marrying him was financially safe for you. You saw him as your partner.
Now the financial positions have reversed, and he seems to be looking at marriage differently.
That is what I would be paying attention to.
He is starting to make marriage sound like a prize you have to jump through hoops to get. He gets to put everything on hold. He gets to “figure some stuff out.” And meanwhile, you are left sitting there wondering whether you are still someone he wants to marry.
No.
If he has financial concerns, he needs to say what they are.
If he wants a prenup, he can say that.
If he wants separate finances, he can say that.
If he is worried about what would happen financially in a divorce, he can say that too.
Those might be uncomfortable conversations, but they are adult conversations. “I don’t want to talk about it until I figure some stuff out” is not a plan for building a marriage with someone.
And I would not chase him for reassurance or start trying to prove that you are financially worthy of marrying. Do not audition for a marriage you have already spent years building toward together.
Give him the opportunity to explain himself clearly. Then listen very carefully to what he says.
Because the bigger question is not whether he wants to protect his new income. The bigger question is whether getting that income changed the way he sees you.
If he suddenly feels like he has more to lose by marrying you now that he makes more money, you need to know that before you marry him.
And if that is what is happening, I would take it very seriously.
You were good enough to build a life with when you were the one making more money. You should not suddenly have to clear a new set of hurdles because his paycheck got bigger.
Marriage is not a prize he gets to hold out in front of you while he decides whether you still qualify.
It is a decision two people make together.
Right now, I would stop worrying about how to get the marriage plans back on track and start asking whether the man in front of you still understands partnership the same way you do.