My wife and my family have never really gotten along. Whenever there is an argument, my wife expects me to take her side. Most of the time I do because I am her husband and I do not want her to feel like she is alone.
Recently, though, something happened that made me rethink that.
My family invited us to dinner. My wife did not want to go because she said they are always making little comments about her. I told her I would support whatever she decided. She eventually chose to come with me.
During dinner, one of my relatives made a comment that my wife felt was disrespectful. She immediately confronted them, and it turned into a huge argument.
On the way home, she told me I should have defended her more aggressively. I told her I agreed that the comment was unnecessary, but I also did not agree with the way she handled it.
She said, “If you do not stand up for me against your family, who will?”
I told her I love her, but I am tired of feeling like I have to choose sides every time there is an argument. I told her that from now on, I will support her when she is genuinely being treated unfairly, but I will not automatically defend her just because she is my wife.
She thinks that means I am failing her as a husband.
You are focused on your wife’s reaction when you should be looking at your own behavior.
Your wife told you she did not want to go because your family regularly makes disrespectful comments about her. You knew this was a problem. She went anyway, somebody made another comment, exactly like she feared, and she ended up defending herself.
So where were you?
You keep saying you are tired of choosing sides. But this is your family. If they have a pattern of disrespecting your wife, it is your responsibility to shut that down.
Not hers. Yours.
Could she have handled the confrontation better? Sure. She is responsible for her behavior too. But you cannot ignore everything that led up to her reaction.
You knew your family had a history of making comments. You knew she was uncomfortable going. Then the exact thing she was worried about happened.
When you married your wife, you made a commitment to her. That does not mean she is automatically right about everything. It means she should not have to wonder whether you will stand up for her when your own family disrespects her.
If she crosses a line, tell her privately. But when your family takes a shot at your wife, you handle your family. Immediately.
And telling her you will only defend her when you decide she is “genuinely” being treated unfairly probably made things worse. She has already been telling you she feels mistreated.
Stop worrying so much about being forced to choose sides.
Start asking yourself why your wife has had to fight this hard to feel like her husband is on hers.
Because eventually the biggest problem will not be your family’s disrespect.
It will be that you kept allowing it.