I’m 27M and have been dating my girlfriend, 25F, for about six months. Things have been going well, but we recently had an argument about boundaries, and now I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable.
In my previous relationship, my ex and I agreed not to spend time one on one with friends of the opposite sex or maintain close friendships with them. She stopped talking to a few male friends she had previously hooked up with or who had expressed interest in her. She also limited nonwork conversations with male coworkers. The only male friend she remained close with was gay because neither of us saw him as a potential romantic threat.
Some people might consider that excessive, but the rule was mutual. I didn’t have female friends, so I wasn’t asking her to follow a standard I wouldn’t follow myself. As far as I was concerned, it worked for us.
A few weeks ago, my current girlfriend told me she’s bisexual. I told her I had no problem with that, but it made me reconsider how this boundary would work. If the purpose of the rule is to avoid spending time alone with people you could potentially be attracted to, then I felt it should apply to both men and women in her case.
I told her I didn’t think she should hang out alone with friends of either sex without me present. I wasn’t saying she couldn’t have friends. I suggested that we mainly spend time with friends together instead of separately.
She got upset and said I was basically telling her she couldn’t have friends unless I supervised her. She reminded me that she had these friendships before we met and that being bisexual doesn’t mean she’s attracted to every man or woman she knows.
I understand that, and I’m not assuming she’ll cheat. My concern is that neither of us should deliberately put ourselves in situations where temptation could develop. I also worry that a friend she confides in about our relationship could give her bad advice if that person is secretly attracted to her.
She asked whether I would have the same rule if she were straight. I said yes because that was the arrangement I had with my ex. She said the rule isn’t really equal because it would affect nearly every friendship in her life, while I wouldn’t have to change anything because I already don’t have female friends.
She now thinks I’m being controlling and insecure. She says that if I can’t trust her to have friends without me present, that’s my problem. I don’t think I’m asking her to stop seeing people altogether. I’d be happy to meet her friends and spend time with them as a couple. I just believe we should have consistent boundaries and avoid situations that could threaten the relationship.
Am I being unreasonable?
Yes. You’re being unreasonable, and your girlfriend is right to call this controlling.
You keep calling this a boundary, but it isn’t one.
A boundary is about what you will do. You’re telling your girlfriend who she can spend time with, when she can see them, and that you need to be present. That’s a rule you’re imposing on her.
And once she told you she was bisexual, your response was basically, “Then I guess you can’t be alone with anybody.”
Come on.
Being bisexual doesn’t mean every friendship contains sexual temptation. Your girlfriend is capable of being alone with another human being without wanting to sleep with them. And saying, “I’ll come too,” doesn’t fix it. She doesn’t need a chaperone.
Your fairness argument doesn’t work either. You already don’t have female friends. You’re offering to give up something you don’t have while asking her to change nearly her entire social life.
That’s not equal.
The bigger issue is that you say you trust her while building rules around the assumption that she can’t safely handle temptation.
That’s not trust.
Trust is knowing opportunities will exist and believing your partner will make the right choice anyway.
Someone might flirt with her. A friend might develop feelings. She might find someone attractive. The same things can happen to you. You cannot remove every possible threat from a relationship.
And when you start making someone else’s world smaller so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable, that’s controlling behavior.
Your ex agreeing to this arrangement doesn’t matter. Your current girlfriend isn’t your ex, and she doesn’t have to inherit the rules of your previous relationship.
There are reasonable boundaries around specific behaviors. Secret conversations with an ex? Talk about it. A friend openly trying to sleep with her? Talk about it. An emotional affair? Absolutely.
But “you’re bisexual, so you can’t be alone with men or women” is a blanket restriction on almost every friendship she could have.
She understands your rule. She just doesn’t agree to it.
So decide what matters more.
If this rule is something you absolutely require, then you two are incompatible.
If you actually trust her, stop asking her to prove it by making her life smaller.