I’m 18 years old, and I’m planning to marry my best friend.
She’s 19, she’s a lesbian, and I’m aromantic, which means I don’t experience romantic attraction. Neither of us is in love with the other. We don’t plan on having a traditional romantic relationship, and we probably won’t ever have sex.
But we’re seriously considering getting married anyway.
And the strange thing is, I think it might be the best decision we could make for ourselves.
Let me explain.
We both come from extremely religious immigrant families. We live in a Western European country, which is generally pretty progressive, but our families and the communities we’re surrounded by are deeply traditional.
My parents are religious fundamentalists. I grew up with a lot of expectations about religion, marriage, and how I was supposed to live my life.
The problem is that I don’t follow my parents’ religion anymore. They don’t know that, and I have to keep pretending otherwise.
I’m also not interested in romance or marriage in the conventional sense. The idea of being in a romantic relationship has always felt suffocating to me. I don’t want a wife in the way my parents expect me to want one.
My friend, who I’ll call Maya, has it even worse.
Her parents are extremely controlling. They didn’t allow her to work for a long time, and even now they severely restrict how much she can work. She can barely go out despite being 19 years old. They’re also physically abusive at times.
She’s financially dependent on them, and if they discovered that she’s attracted to women, they would absolutely disown her.
In our families, moving out before marriage isn’t considered acceptable.
Of course, we’re legally adults. Nobody can actually forbid us from leaving. But there’s a difference between having the legal right to do something and being able to do it without losing your entire family, your financial support, and potentially putting yourself in danger.
I love my parents. I really do. Despite everything, I don’t want to hurt them, and I don’t want them blaming themselves for who I’ve become.
Maya feels similarly about her family, even though her situation is much more difficult.
That’s what makes this so complicated.
We met at university and immediately clicked as friends. Eventually, we realized just how similar our situations were.
Neither of us could really live the life we wanted while remaining under our parents’ control. Neither of us wanted the kind of marriage our families expected. And neither of us wanted to spend the next five or six years waiting until we were financially independent enough to leave.
So we started talking about getting married to each other.
It’s called a lavender marriage. Traditionally, it’s an arrangement where someone marries a person of the opposite sex to conceal their sexual orientation.
For us, it would be a way to gain independence without completely destroying our relationships with our families.
Our parents would see a respectable young couple getting married. We’d finally be allowed to move out. And once we were living together, we could actually start living our own lives.
We wouldn’t have to pretend to be a romantic couple when we’re alone.
We could be roommates, best friends, and partners in the practical sense. We’d split expenses, share responsibilities, finish our education, and support each other.
If Maya eventually gets a girlfriend, I’d be happy for her. I’d honestly love to meet her.
And if I ever wanted to have a casual relationship with someone, we’d discuss that too.
Neither of us expects the other to give up our personal freedom.
We’ve already introduced each other to our parents, which was a pretty big deal.
In our culture, dating isn’t really acceptable. You’re supposed to meet someone with the intention of marriage, involve the families, and proceed from there.
It’s almost like saying, “Dad, I met this nice girl I barely know, and I want to marry her.”
And then your father tells you to speak to her father.
The funny part is that Maya and I actually know each other very well. We just have to pretend we don’t.
We’ve had to act as though we’re two young people getting acquainted through the proper traditional channels rather than two friends who’ve already discussed the possibility of a marriage of convenience.
Fortunately, the introductions went well.
Our current plan is to spend about a year saving money, get married, and move out as soon as possible afterward.
We’re both university students studying subjects that should lead to good careers. There are also student financial assistance programs where we live that could help us afford a place together.
I currently have more money saved than Maya because her parents have restricted her ability to work. We’ve discussed contributing proportionally to our incomes so neither of us feels financially trapped by the arrangement.
Eventually, we want to finish university, find jobs, save enough money, and move somewhere far away from our families.
Once we’re fully independent, we can decide whether to stay married or get divorced.
Maybe we’ll still enjoy living together. Maybe we’ll have completely different lives by then. We don’t know.
And that’s okay.
People have asked what we’ll do when our families start pressuring us to have children.
That’s definitely something we’ve thought about.
For now, we’d probably tell them we’re waiting until we’re comfortable and financially stable. Someone suggested saying we’re trying and hoping for children, which would probably stop some of the questions.
My parents actually don’t mind the possibility of me never having children. Maya’s parents might be more difficult, although she has several siblings, so hopefully the pressure won’t fall entirely on us.
Hopefully, by the time the pressure becomes serious, we’ll be independent enough that it won’t matter as much.
People have also pointed out the legal complications.
Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. There are financial obligations, property rights, inheritance issues, and the possibility of a complicated divorce.
We’ve talked about some of these things, but I admit we haven’t figured everything out.
A prenuptial agreement is something we need to look into more seriously. We’d also have to consider the religious marriage contract our families would expect us to have.
We’re young, and I know that.
I also know that people change a lot between 18 and 25. Maybe one of us will want something completely different in a few years. Maybe we’ll discover that living together is harder than we imagined.
This isn’t a finalized plan, and we’re still working through the practical details.
But I think what a lot of people don’t understand is what our alternative looks like.
We could wait until we finish university, find jobs, save money, and eventually move away.
That sounds reasonable until you realize what those years would actually mean for us.
It would mean continuing to hide who we are every single day. Continuing to follow religious expectations we don’t believe in. Continuing to ask permission to do ordinary things that other people our age take for granted.
For Maya, it would mean remaining in a household where she’s isolated, financially restricted, and sometimes physically abused.
We don’t want to spend our entire early adulthood waiting for permission to live.
And there’s something else I want people to understand.
I genuinely love Maya.
Not romantically, but I love her as a person.
She’s incredibly passionate about science, which I find adorable. She also has this habit of winking whenever she experiences strong emotions.
She winks when she’s happy, when she’s angry, when she’s sad, and even when she’s being serious.
I have no idea why I find it so endearing, but I do.
I want her to be happy. I want her to experience things she’s never been allowed to experience. I want her to have the freedom to fall in love with a woman someday without being terrified of what her parents will do.
And I want to be free to live my own life without constantly pretending to be someone I’m not.
If marrying each other helps us accomplish that, then I don’t see why it has to be such a terrible idea.
Some people think we’re making a huge mistake. Others think it’s a clever solution to a difficult situation.
Maybe they’re both right.
I know we’re taking a risk. I know that marriage could create problems we haven’t anticipated. And I know that building our freedom around a secret comes with its own complications.
But right now, the thought of having our own apartment, closing the door, and finally being able to exist as ourselves sounds incredible.
We wouldn’t have to perform for anyone. We wouldn’t have to explain ourselves.
We could just be two friends living together, supporting each other, and figuring out our futures.
Maybe one day we’ll divorce and go our separate ways. Maybe we’ll remain married for decades because we genuinely enjoy being companions.
I don’t know what our lives will look like ten years from now.
I just know that I don’t want to spend the next six years waiting for my life to begin.
And neither does she.