My girlfriend has around $50,000 in debt that started when she was about 20 and gradually grew over the years. It is spread across several banks and includes credit card debt, personal loans, and debt from a trip to Europe last year that I advised her against taking at the time.
She makes about $60,000 a year. Recently, she asked me, somewhat hypothetically at first, if I would lend her $15,000 so she could pay off one of her debts and avoid the ongoing interest. Her plan is to pay me back $1,000 a month for 15 months.
I did not immediately say yes. I told her I needed to think about it. It is a lot of money, we are not married, and I have no real protection if something happens to our relationship or if she stops making payments. I also feel some resentment because I have spent years trying to get her to take her finances more seriously, and now I feel like some of the burden of those decisions is being placed on me.
I also do not fully understand why her sister and brother in law are not in a position to help, given their family situation. Part of me wonders whether the fact that they are not helping should tell me something.
Since then, things have gotten tense. She has told me that I should not have to “think twice” about helping her if I really care about her. She has also said that she would “never want to ask in the first place.” She says I do not understand what it is like to be at rock bottom financially, and she has framed my hesitation as evidence that I am not really willing to support her.
I do care about her, and I am not necessarily saying no. I just do not think it is unreasonable to want a serious conversation about $15,000, including repayment terms and some kind of protection for me.
But now I am being made to feel like wanting that conversation is the actual problem.
Her reaction to you hesitating over a $15,000 loan is more concerning than the debt itself.
Telling you that you should not have to “think twice” if you really cared about her is unfair. She is turning a completely reasonable financial boundary into a test of your love. You are talking about $15,000, not picking up the dinner bill.
I would not give her the money.
She has spent years accumulating this debt, including continuing to make expensive choices while already struggling financially. Giving her $15,000 does not solve the real problem. It just moves part of the debt from a bank onto you and shields her from having to fully deal with the consequences of her decisions.
Her first instinct should be figuring out how she can get herself out of this. Cut her spending. Pick up extra hours. Get a second job. Sell things. Make sacrifices for a couple of years if that is what it takes. Those options are difficult, but asking your boyfriend to take on the financial risk should not be the easier alternative.
You can support someone without paying off their debt.
And I would seriously think about whether this is someone you want to build a future with. The debt itself is not necessarily the dealbreaker. The lack of financial responsibility combined with trying to make you feel guilty for setting a reasonable boundary could be.
If saying no to $15,000 makes her question how much you love her, imagine what these conversations could look like when you are married, sharing accounts, paying a mortgage, or raising kids.
Pay attention to what she is showing you now.