I recently discovered that my husband has been watching gay porn. This was not a complete shock because a few years ago he told me there was that side to his sexuality. At the time, he said he had buried it because it was not something that fit within our relationship.
I have tried hard not to judge him for it. People cannot necessarily control what they are attracted to, and I appreciated that he trusted me enough to be honest about it. As long as it was not affecting our relationship, I did not think it needed to be a problem.
I will admit that I struggle with it personally. I am very attracted to dominant men, and seeing my husband in a sexual context with men changes how I see him in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I do not want to shame him for that, but I also cannot pretend it does not affect me.
I also know that before our relationship he used to talk to men on Grindr and other gay dating apps.
The bigger problem now is what is happening in our marriage. We often sleep separately because we genuinely sleep better that way, but I discovered that he has been going into the other bedroom and getting off to gay porn. Sometimes this has happened after he has turned me down for sex or when he has made no effort to initiate sex with me.
To make things even more complicated, we are currently trying for a baby.
I feel like porn is creating distance between us. It feels like he would rather watch other people and get himself off than have sex with me. And because I am not a man, part of me feels like there is something he wants sexually that I simply cannot give him.
I am also scared that eventually watching it will not be enough and he will seek out an actual man. Given his history with dating apps, I worry that one day I will be cheated on. I do not know whether that is a legitimate concern or whether fear is taking over.
At this point I think porn is a net negative for our relationship. Either he is watching it because this attraction is still a significant part of him, or his porn use has escalated to the point where he needs increasingly different or extreme material to get turned on.
I do not want to shame my husband for his sexuality. But I also do not want to ignore what this is doing to our sex life and our marriage.
What do I actually do here?
Stop trying for a baby.
That needs to happen before anything else. You are dealing with serious questions about trust, sexual compatibility, attraction, and whether your husband is suppressing a part of himself. This is not the time to bring a child into the situation.
I also think you are working so hard not to judge your husband that you are dismissing your own feelings.
There is nothing wrong with him being attracted to men. There is also nothing wrong with you realizing that being married to a man who is attracted to men is difficult for you. Being accepting does not mean you have to be comfortable with how this affects your own marriage and attraction to your husband.
But the bigger issue is his behavior.
He is turning you down sexually and then going into another room and getting off to porn. That would hurt whether the porn featured men or women. He is directing his sexual energy somewhere else while your sex life is suffering.
And clearly, telling you years ago that he had “buried” his attraction to men did not resolve anything.
That does not mean he is secretly gay, does not love you, or will inevitably cheat. But it does mean you both need to stop pretending this is settled.
You need to ask him what he actually wants.
Does he genuinely want a monogamous marriage with a woman for the rest of his life? Is his attraction to men something he is comfortable leaving as fantasy? Or does he feel like he is denying an important part of himself by staying in this marriage?
Then you need to answer your own uncomfortable question.
If he tells you he is bisexual and will always be attracted to men, even if he never acts on it, can you genuinely be happy and attracted to him knowing that?
You are allowed to say no. That does not make you hateful or intolerant. You do not owe someone romantic or sexual compatibility to prove that you accept them.
At the same time, bisexuality does not mean someone will cheat. Your husband watching gay porn does not prove he will eventually need to sleep with a man. But given his history with dating apps, you absolutely should ask whether there has been any contact with men during your marriage.
I also would not rush to call this porn addiction. That could distract from the harder question underneath everything.
What does your husband actually want?
If he is spending his life suppressing something fundamental about himself, that will affect both of you. And if you are pretending this does not bother you because you are afraid of seeming judgmental, that will affect both of you too.
Maybe there is a marriage here worth fighting for. Maybe this requires honesty, new boundaries around porn, rebuilding your sex life, and some serious conversations together.
Or you may discover that you love each other but are not right for each other.
Either way, do not bring a baby into the middle of this uncertainty.
Stop trying to conceive. Have the conversation you have both been avoiding. Do not ask him to bury this again.
Ask him to tell you the truth.
And give yourself permission to tell the truth too.