My coworker has a daughter who has a bit of fame. She is not exactly a celebrity, but she is a public figure. She is verified on Twitter and has a small Wikipedia page that is a couple of years out of date.
I find her interesting and entertaining, so I occasionally look at her social media to see what she is up to. I also ask her dad about her sometimes, and he has told me little stories about her.
He and his wife divorced when their daughter was 18. From looking at her Instagram, I noticed that she has only posted about her dad a few times over the years. She posts much more frequently and affectionately about her mum.
I also noticed that she uses a stage surname on Twitter and Instagram instead of her actual surname, which is her dad’s. I think the stage surname may belong to a family she is close to.
I felt comfortable asking him about his relationship with his daughter and son because we have worked together for quite a while, we are on pretty good terms as coworkers and friends, and he has asked me very personal questions about my divorce before.
We talked for a while, and I eventually asked why he does not seem to appear in photos on his daughter’s accounts. He sarcastically replied that he was camera shy. I said fair enough.
Then I asked why she uses the stage surname on Twitter and Instagram. He replied that he “doesn’t really fucking know.” He sounded like a mixture of sarcastic, angry, and disinterested.
I asked a few more questions, but he did not seem interested in answering. I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I stopped.
The next day, I arrived at work and he was basically ignoring me. Later, my boss pulled me aside and gave me a warning. Apparently, my coworker said I had been asking him “provocative” and “harassing” questions. This surprised me because, at the time, he did not seem nearly as bothered as the complaint suggested.
I tried to talk to him afterward, but he just told me to fuck off and left. I have tried contacting him since, but he has not responded.
I’m angry about the whole situation because it feels incredibly childish, especially considering that he has asked me personal questions about my own divorce in the past.
Did I actually do something wrong?
Yes, you did something wrong, and I think you’re underestimating how creepy this probably looked from your coworker’s side.
You weren’t simply asking how his daughter was doing. You had gone through her social media closely enough to know how many times she posted about her dad, compared how affectionate she was toward each parent, noticed which surname she uses, and apparently looked into where that surname came from.
Then you questioned her father about what you’d found.
That’s where ordinary curiosity starts looking stalkerish. Her accounts being public means you’re free to look at them. It doesn’t mean her dad won’t be uncomfortable discovering just how closely his coworker has been analyzing his daughter’s online life and their family relationships.
His “camera shy” answer sounds like an attempt to brush you off. When you then asked about the surname and got “I don’t really fucking know,” that should have ended the conversation. Instead, by your own admission, you asked more questions even though you could tell he was getting annoyed.
And him going to your boss isn’t “primary school” behavior. You’re coworkers. He’s allowed to take an uncomfortable workplace interaction to management instead of confronting you personally.
The fact that he’s previously asked about your divorce doesn’t change that. You could choose what you wanted to tell him. It didn’t give you permission to investigate his family and expect answers about what you found.
Most importantly, stop contacting him. He’s ignoring you, has told you to leave him alone, and your employer has now warned you. Continuing to push for a conversation will only make this worse.
And leave his daughter’s social media alone for a while too. The bigger issue here isn’t whether you technically had the right to look at public posts. It’s why you became invested enough in a coworker’s daughter’s personal life to track years of posts, analyze her relationships with her parents, and question her father about it.
You got way too curious, crossed a boundary, and creeped him out.
Take the warning and back off.