My son will be 19 in December, and I’m starting to wonder where we went wrong as parents.
My wife and I did the best we could raising him. We weren’t perfect, but we always tried to do what was best for him.
Growing up, he was always lazy. We constantly had to stay on him about chores, schoolwork, grades, and responsibilities. And anytime we tried to talk to him about it, he’d get angry and lash out.
After graduating, he moved out and started his own family. He now has a daughter with his girlfriend, and unfortunately, it sounds like nothing has changed.
His girlfriend recently opened up to us about what’s been happening at home. He’s sleeping in, avoiding chores, and leaving her to handle most of the responsibilities. Basically, he’s doing all the same things we spent years trying to correct.
She’s seen how I treat my wife. Even after working 12 hour shifts, I still help with the dishes, cooking, and whatever else needs to be done around the house. My wife works shorter hours, but that doesn’t mean everything at home should fall on her. I believe part of being a good husband and father is showing up and supporting your family.
His girlfriend even asked me where the disconnect happened, because she’s seen the example I tried to set.
That really upset me.
I’ve always stressed to my son the importance of taking care of his family and being a responsible man. Recently, I found out he was staying out with friends until 2 in the morning while his girlfriend was home with their daughter. I called him out on it. There’s nothing wrong with having friends, but when you’re not pulling your weight at home, you have no business leaving your family to handle everything while you’re out having fun.
Every time we confront him about his behavior, though, he acts like he’s the victim.
Today, things finally blew up. He disrespected his mother and accused us of being emotional, bad parents. Now he’s refusing to speak to us.
My wife is worried I’ve pushed him so far away that we might lose our relationship with our granddaughter, too.
And that’s what scares me.
I know we made mistakes. He was our first child, and we were learning as we went. We probably pushed him hard at times, but the responsibilities we gave him seemed reasonable to us. We never did anything without believing it was in his best interest.
Still, I can’t shake the feeling that I messed up somewhere.
Were we wrong to stay on him about the little things? Did we push too hard? Or is this just a young man refusing to take responsibility for his choices?
I’m willing to admit where I’ve been wrong, but I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Am I out of line?
Because right now, my son isn’t speaking to me, and I’m afraid of what that could mean for our family.
Dad, I’m going to tell you something you probably don’t want to hear.
You can be right about your son’s behavior and still be wrong about how you’re handling it.
Your son is almost 19. He’s a father now. He has a girlfriend and a little girl depending on him. If he’s sleeping all day, leaving the household responsibilities to his girlfriend, and staying out until 2 in the morning while she’s taking care of their child, that’s a problem. A big one.
But here’s the part you need to understand.
You cannot lecture a grown man into becoming responsible.
You’ve spent years staying on him about chores, grades, work, and everything else. How’s that working?
I’m not saying you were wrong to give him responsibilities. Kids need structure. They need expectations. They need to learn that life isn’t just about what they want.
But somewhere along the way, your relationship with your son seems to have become one long argument about everything he’s doing wrong.
And now, every time he sees you coming, he probably expects another lecture.
That doesn’t mean he’s right. It doesn’t excuse him disrespecting his mother. But it might explain why he’s stopped listening.
You keep talking about how you showed him what a man should do. That’s good. You worked hard, helped your wife, and tried to set an example.
But your son isn’t you.
And you need to stop expecting that one more conversation about being a man is suddenly going to make him act like one.
He’s going to have to figure out what kind of father and partner he wants to be. And unfortunately, some of those lessons may come through consequences you can’t protect him from.
There’s something else I want you to consider.
You call your son lazy several times. You call him a turd. You talk about how you’ve always had to stay on him.
I understand you’re frustrated. But I wonder how long your son has felt like, in your eyes, he’s always been a disappointment.
A kid who grows up believing he can never get it right sometimes stops trying to get it right.
That doesn’t make his current behavior acceptable. It simply means there may be more happening between you than dirty dishes and late nights.
And when he calls you bad parents, don’t immediately dismiss everything he says because he’s angry. You don’t have to agree with his accusations, but you can ask him what he means. You might learn something important.
Here’s what I’d do.
I’d stop calling him out for a while.
I’d send him a message saying, “Son, I love you. I’m proud to be your dad, and I want a relationship with you. I know I haven’t always handled things the right way. I was trying to teach you responsibility, but I can see that sometimes I may have pushed too hard. I’m sorry for the ways I’ve hurt you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
And then I’d leave him alone.
No follow up lecture. No explanation about how hard you worked. No reminder about everything you’ve done for him.
Just give him some room.
Meanwhile, be there for his girlfriend and your granddaughter in ways that are genuinely helpful, without turning his girlfriend into someone who reports his behavior back to you. She needs support, not another family conflict to manage.
And remember, your granddaughter is not leverage in this argument. You don’t get to control whether her parents allow visits. What you can control is whether you become someone they feel safe having around.
Dad, I don’t think you’re a bad father because you expected your son to work hard and contribute.
But I do think you’re making a mistake if you believe correcting his behavior is still your primary job.
Your job now is different.
You have to transition from being the father who manages his son’s life to being the father he can come to when his life gets hard.
That doesn’t mean approving of his choices. It doesn’t mean giving him money, cleaning up his messes, or pretending everything is fine.
It means loving him without trying to control him.
He’s responsible for the kind of man he becomes. You’re responsible for the kind of father you choose to be today.
And right now, I’d worry less about winning the argument and more about making sure your son knows the door is still open.
Because you can win every argument about responsibility and still lose the relationship.
And I don’t think that’s what you want.