I regret having my 9 year old with autism and oppositional defiance disorder every single day. She is very verbal and can be as sweet as a peach when she gets her way, but doing the hard work of parenting her correctly has been a nightmare.
She was an unwanted pregnancy when I was a dumb 20 year old. I was in a lot of psych meds before I realized I was pregnant that I think messed her brain up. I had taken plan B perfectly like on the instructions the one time I had unprotected sex, I figured that would have been the end of that worry. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until she was about 10 weeks gestation and immediately stopped taking my meds but alas. By the time I could get the money together for an abortion (the closest planned parenthood was a 7 hour drive so no-go there) the pregnancy was too far along. I wish I would have looked into adoption now.
Bio dad has never been in the picture and the first five years were pretty rough but manageable since I had family help and a super supportive husband. Once she started kindergarten she was getting suspended from school constantly for stupid shit like throwing an empty water bottle at the principal or hitting her teacher. Her IEP was essentially worthless and I couldn’t hold down a job or go to school because I had no one to watch her every single week at random times I’d get called to take her home for 2-3 days at a time. So I did what I thought was best and we packed up and moved out of state with her to a much more supportive area with better schools.
We have been here for three years and it’s been hell. Her professional supports – school, in home therapist, the community have all been outstanding but I have no support for myself besides my husband and we are moving back to our home state in three weeks because I’m becoming too ill myself from all of this. She bites, kicks, screams, runs away into traffic, calls us grotesque names when she doesn’t get her way.
Wednesday I had to call the police because she refused to get into the car when it was time to go home and when I was finally able to literally drag her kicking/biting/70lb ass into the car and close it she tried to bust the window open. She took an ambulance ride to the hospital and was a little angel for them when she calmed down and they said she wasn’t a threat and sent her home.
I am very bitter and resentful, I’ve done everything I can for her to give her a good life – she has in home specialists come to teach her coping skills 5 hours every week, she is in one of the best school districts in Pennsylvania, I pay for acting and swimming classes for her but when I sit down and have to discipline her or make her do her homework, I get verbally and physically abused and there’s only so much one person can take when you give-Give-give and get nothing in return. I feel guilty because her baby brother is neurotypical and we have a very strong bond and I love him more but I am becoming more apathetic every day to my toxic feelings towards my daughter.
Almost always I hope that when we move back home that she gets arrested and ends up in juvenile detention so she can see how good she has it at home with me and so I can get a break from her.