My 18 year old son was thriving. He was excelling in a competitive sport with Olympic potential, doing well academically, and had a healthy social life. Then he started dating his current girlfriend, and everything began to unravel.
Since meeting her, he has isolated himself from friends and family, dropped out of high school, and stopped taking his training seriously. He now spends most of his time waiting outside her school, walking her to and from class, or glued to his phone talking to her. When he does not do what she wants, she calls him crying, yelling, and putting enormous emotional pressure on him.
I have tried to welcome her into our family. I have invited her to family events, baked for her, and given her gifts. She barely acknowledges me, shows little gratitude, and has made no effort to build a relationship with us.
I have had countless heart to hearts with my son. I have encouraged him to get a job and tried to help him fill his days with purpose, but I feel like I am watching him disappear into this relationship.
I am desperate to help him, but I do not know what else to do. What do you do when love looks like it is destroying your child?
Stop trying to convince your son that his girlfriend is the problem.
I know that sounds backwards. You are watching your kid walk away from school, friends, family, and a future he worked incredibly hard for. Every instinct in you is screaming to grab him by the shoulders and make him see what you see.
But he is 18. You cannot drag him out of this relationship. And the harder you attack her, the more likely he is to defend her and pull away from you.
So change the goal.
The goal is not getting rid of the girlfriend. The goal is keeping a strong, honest relationship with your son while refusing to pretend that what is happening is healthy.
Tell him what you see without diagnosing her or calling her toxic. Tell him, “I have watched you give up school, training, friendships, and time with your family. I see you becoming responsible for another person’s emotions. I love you too much to pretend I am not concerned.”
Then stop arguing. He knows what you think.
And stop working so hard to win her over. No more gifts. No more bending over backwards. Be kind. Be respectful. Keep your home civil. That is enough.
Your bigger job is to put boundaries around what happens in your home and what you are willing to support financially. Loving your son does not require financing a life in which he has abandoned school, work, training, and basic responsibility.
He gets to make adult choices. Adult choices come with adult consequences.
At the same time, keep the door open emotionally. Invite him to dinner. Ask him to go somewhere with you. Talk about things besides his girlfriend. Remind him through your actions that he still has a family, an identity, and a life outside this relationship.
When he talks about her, listen more than you lecture. Ask whether he feels like he can say no. Ask what happens when he wants time away from her. Ask whether he feels responsible for keeping her from getting upset. Ask whether this relationship is making his life bigger or smaller.
Then be quiet and let him answer.
You cannot save an 18 year old from every painful decision. You can refuse to fund the destruction. You can refuse to participate in the chaos. And you can make absolutely certain that when he finally looks up and realizes how much of himself he has given away, he knows exactly where home is.
Do not spend all your energy fighting her. Fight to keep your relationship with your son.