I’m 39M, and I have my daughter, “Rose,” 9F, every other weekend, from Friday after school until Monday morning. My ex wife has her the majority of the time.
Rose has been diagnosed with ADHD. Parenting her can be difficult. I still have to monitor her closely, make sure she finishes her homework before watching TV, repeat myself because she doesn’t always listen, and be extremely patient with her. My ex and I also split the cost of a math tutor because Rose has trouble focusing in class.
Last week, I picked Rose up and took her to the grocery store because we needed dinner supplies. I was listing the ingredients and couldn’t remember one. Rose suggested the ingredient I had forgotten, and when I told her that was it, she puffed out her chest and said, “No need to thank me,” in a way that came across as arrogant.
We were stopped at a red light, so I turned to her and sternly asked what she had said. She mumbled, “Never mind.” I told her, “That is extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful. I don’t owe you anything. I don’t have to do half the stuff I do for you, so you need to really think about the way you talk to me and be grateful.”
Rose mumbled an apology and was quiet afterward. She sat in the backseat even when I offered to let her sit in the front again. I offered her ice cream, but she declined and wouldn’t look at me.
When we got home, she finished a reading project she was supposed to have completed in class without me having to monitor her. But she didn’t want to watch a movie with me, and she stayed unusually quiet for the rest of the weekend.
On Tuesday, my ex blew up my phone saying she knew what I had told Rose and calling me a horrible father. I think my ex contributes to Rose’s entitled behavior and meltdowns. But what am I supposed to do? Stop disciplining Rose whenever she gets upset?
I make a lot of sacrifices for Rose. I drive her to and from school so she doesn’t have to walk three miles. I buy her toys and other things. Last month, I agreed to keep Rose for three extra days when my ex wife’s mother was in the hospital.
My own father was barely in my life. He didn’t buy me things, and he made me walk home. Rose isn’t a baby anymore. I believe she’s old enough to learn gratitude when people do things for her because people won’t always do those things, and that attitude won’t work in the real world.
I know I could have been gentler, but sometimes I think tough love is necessary to correct bad behavior when coddling won’t fix it.
Rose made one mildly smart aleck comment. She’s nine. You responded by essentially giving her an invoice for being her father.
Was “No need to thank me” a little smart alecky? Sure. Correct it. Say, “That sounded disrespectful. Try again.” That’s discipline.
But telling your nine year old, “I don’t owe you anything” and reminding her how much you do for her isn’t discipline. You made your care for her sound conditional.
And yes, you do owe her quite a bit. You’re her father.
Driving her to school, feeding her, supervising homework, paying for tutoring, and caring for her when her mother has an emergency aren’t favors Rose needs to repay with gratitude. That’s parenting. Calling three days with your own daughter “babysitting” should make you examine how you see your role.
You keep listing everything you do for Rose. The rides. The toys. The tutor. The patience. She’s nine. She doesn’t have an outstanding debt to you for raising her.
And look at what happened after you said those words. Rose got quiet. She moved away from you. She declined ice cream. She didn’t want to watch a movie with you. She did her work without asking anything from you. Instead of seeing that as evidence that she needed a harder lesson, consider the obvious possibility: you hurt her.
Your own father is also all over this story. He barely showed up, and now you seem to look at Rose and think, “Do you know how lucky you are compared with me?”
But your father set an incredibly low bar.
Rose does not owe you a worse childhood so that yours feels fair.
ADHD can make parenting exhausting. You’re allowed to struggle with that. What you don’t get to do is hand the emotional bill for that exhaustion to your daughter.
And stop blaming your ex for this particular situation. You were in that car. You said those words. Own them.
Stop hiding behind “tough love,” too. Tough love still has to contain love. Otherwise it’s just being tough.
You owe Rose an apology. No “I’m sorry, but you were disrespectful.” Tell her you were angry and said something you shouldn’t have. Tell her that taking care of her is your responsibility and she never has to earn that from you.
Then keep the boundary. She still needs to speak respectfully and follow the rules.
Apologizing doesn’t surrender your authority. It models the exact thing you’re demanding from her: when you behave badly, you own it, apologize, and do better.