Caveman Circus
The Most Awesome Men's Entertainment Site On The Internet
(photo: @ian_w)
What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: One day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE. Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!
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(photo: @thomashaas)
I pondered this same question since I was 15. About 15 years later I am qualified to answer this. I’ve owned 2. 08 Gallardo and 2015 Huracan. How does it feel? I will break this down into two parts–from an automotive/mechanical perspective and an emotional/human perspective.
(photo: “Ku Klux Klan” by Arete13)
Who brought you into the fold of white supremacy?
I was introduced to racist ideology around the age of 14, by some other teenagers who were skinheads. I never really joined, but I shaved my head and put boots on. Not necessarily because I believed any of it. I thought it made me look edgy and tough. I moved from my all white semi rural town at 19 to an outlying suburb near a predominantly black inner city area. This is where I dealt with my first encounters with African Americans. After some ugly altercations and having a few guns stuck in my face, my immature mind decided that because I had dealt with some black people who happened to be bad, all black people must be bad. I found Klan contacts on a WN message board and reached out.
1. When I was 11 or 12ish, I was abused by this disgusting monster of a man who I saw as a role model I could trust. He was one of those people who would always be suspiciously, unnaturally polite to people, and being around kids, nobody batted an eye.
I was called into his office in response to me acting out in school and from there i don’t remember much, but the abuse that occured then shaped the rest of my life. (this man went to jail later for a few years for filming young boys in the shower naked at a local school where he volunteered as a basketball coach, but is now FREE… and no accusers have come forth about anything else)
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The single hardest thing I have done in my life at the age of 31 was put down my dog, Angel, who had heart disease. I remember getting the call from my mom while I was at work and using the drive over the to vet to get all my crying out. This was my pup growing up and was the sweetest dog I’ve ever owned. Not a mean bone in her body and would absolutely light up the moment she saw me. Every time.
I remember pulling up to the vet and thinking I had everything under control but the moment I went into the room where she was laying on the table I lost it. Here is my pup breathing what seemed like slow determined breaths, dealing with pain in a foreign room without family around. My Mom walks in first and Angel immediately recognizes her and you can sense the relief.
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(art: Kota Art)
I’ve spent my whole life wondering why I procrastinate on things I enjoy doing. I think I’ve figured it out, and it’s really fucking stupid.
Intellectually, I know that the future is a real thing. There is, in fact, a time other than now. I know that. But I don’t believe it.
My brain thinks time is a myth and there’s no such thing as tomorrow. No matter how many times tomorrow comes, it refuses to believe that it will happen again. It’s like I think the world is going to end in 15 minutes.
Photo by Lennart Wittstock
How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.
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1. Honestly turned out great. I realised my band wasn’t going to get a record deal after a few years and then after playing for other peoples bands for a while it starred to become less fun.
I got a ‘proper’ job, started working on my career and used my new spare time to start playing rugby again. Now I’ve got a really good job in a sector I enjoy working in, married, kids, nice house all that stuff and I still play rugby on Saturdays (pre pandemic) to keep things a little different as well as keeping in shape.
I don’t really see it as giving up on my dream. It was just recognising that it wasn’t going to happen. I’m very fond of that period of my life and having spent quite a few years chasing that particular dream I don’t have any regrets or what-if’s about being in a band.
I am currently 31M, married, no kids, living in San Diego and working as a senior front-end engineer + running a real estate startup on the side.
My portfolio consists of 35 total units, mostly 4-plexes, with a duplex and some SFRs sprinkled here and there. 3 units in San Diego, 1 in Atlanta, 3 in Birmingham, 28 in Kansas City.
My units cash flow between $250-$350/door and the total cash flow of the portfolio is about $10-11k/month (accounting for vacancies as well). My average COC return at purchase is about 15% and long-term IRR is usually 20%+.
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I don’t know what death feels like, but I do know what dying feels like.
A year and a half ago, I was shot point blank in the chest with a 9mm. I didn’t feel it, but the bullet severed my subclavian artery. I was losing blood quickly and I collapsed. And let me tell you, to lie there and bleed out would have been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Instead I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done; I crawled out of the house and into the street, where a neighbor saw me and called an ambulance.
[Read more…] about What’s It Like To Be Pulled Back From The Brink of Death