Caveman Circus

I am a 41 year old man and my wife is 32. We have been married for three years. Before we got married, I was clear that I did not want children. She knew that.

Recently, after losing an accidental pregnancy, she has developed a deep desire to have a child. We have a stable life, good jobs, and a home, so there are no practical barriers.

But I have never really wanted to be a father. The idea has never strongly appealed to me beyond occasional thoughts like imagining names or brief moments of curiosity.

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My baby is about 11 months old and exclusively breastfed. It’s just the two of us, with no family support nearby. Our baby still wakes frequently at night. It used to be every two to three hours and now is still unsettled at times.

We used to sleep in the same room, but now we are in separate rooms.

The issue is I do not know what my role is at night as the dad. When the baby cries, I feel like whatever I do is wrong.

If I go into the room and stay nearby while my partner breastfeeds or soothes, she gets frustrated and asks why I am just sitting there.

If I try to actively help by holding or patting the baby, she gets angry because she is already trying to settle the baby.

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My husband has a female friend he texts every day, and no matter how uncomfortable I’ve been, he hasn’t changed anything. I’ve tried to convince myself it’s just a normal friendship and that nothing inappropriate is happening, but deep down it doesn’t feel right.

They still talk daily. They share a lot of personal and even intimate things with each other. She is clearly a huge priority in his life.

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I have a friend I’ll call Ethan. Back in 2017, he developed feelings for a coworker at a diner where they both worked. It seemed obvious she liked him too, and she even kissed him at a party. She waited about a year for him to make a move, but he never did, and eventually she met someone else and moved on.

Ever since then, Ethan has been full of regret. He went from being outgoing and social to withdrawn and down most of the time.

Now it’s been nine years, and he’s still stuck on her. He hasn’t tried to meet anyone new. When we go out, he talks about how much he regrets missing his chance. Around couples, he gets moody and makes comments about how happy everyone else looks.

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My fiancée and I are getting married in August. My parents separated when I was 10 after my dad cheated on my mom with a woman named Claire, who he is still with 16 years later.

After the separation, my dad stayed very involved and co parented well. My parents were actually on decent terms, but my mom had one firm boundary. My brother and I were never to meet Claire. I didn’t meet her until I was 20, when I started spending more time with my dad during the pandemic.

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