Caveman Circus

I (33F, turning 34 next month) have been dating my boyfriend (34M) for nearly three years, with our anniversary coming up in September. We’ve lived together for almost a year and have been in couples therapy for about the same amount of time. While things are stable—we both have good jobs, are financially secure, and have built a life together—I’m struggling with one big uncertainty: marriage.

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Me (27F) and my fiancé (27M) have been together 4 years, engaged for 6 months. His ex (30F) was with him for 5 years before they split.

I’ve always trusted him, and I’ve never had an issue with him staying friends with his ex—until recently. What’s been bothering me is that she still calls him “babe.”

Their breakup was mutual, and they stayed friendly. He told me early on that they still talk occasionally, and I appreciated his honesty. I even met her once—she was nice. But a few weeks ago, I overheard a phone call where she laughed and said, “Oh, you always do that, babe!” and it stopped me cold.

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I’m 41 and married to an incredible woman—an amazing parent, partner, and friend. We met in college. She fell in love with me first; it took me longer to realize I loved her too. Eventually I did, and I married her.

The truth is, I’ve made serious mistakes in our marriage—ones that probably should have ended it. I cheated early on. I wasn’t there for her during postpartum depression. I wasn’t there the way she needed after a miscarriage. And then there were all the smaller failures that add up. I said I loved her, but my actions didn’t back it up.

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For context, I (44F) have two kids (20M and 18F) with my ex. About seven years ago we split, and when they were still teens, I decided to move abroad to start fresh and pursue my dating life. I sold my house quickly and left shared custody to my ex and a grandparent, then relocated to be near family. I’ve been with my fiancé (36M) for about a year and a half, we got engaged recently, and we’re getting married in June. I call my kids weekly, though usually just for a few minutes.

Over the holidays, my younger child and a grandparent visited me for the first time since I moved. They stayed with my fiancé’s parents because our place is small. While she was polite at times, she was mostly cold, rude to his family, dismissive toward him, complained constantly, and even made an inappropriate gesture in a family photo. I spoke to her about her behavior, but nothing really changed. After she went home, I told her on the phone I wouldn’t be getting her anything else for her birthday because of how she acted.

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I’m 28 and we’ve been dating about a year and a half. He lives at home with his parents and a few younger brothers, which already feels odd—especially since he’s not caring for them and has a stable job. What bothers me more is that he can’t cook or do laundry, and it seems like his mom handles everything for him. He’s also pretty stubborn and immature in arguments, and he often rushes home early for no real reason, like he’s worried about what his family will think.

He talks like he’s above needing goals or excitement, which comes off arrogant rather than confident. I can’t tell if I’m overthinking this, but his lack of independence and reluctance to grow up is starting to feel like a real turnoff. Is this as strange as it feels?

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