Advice Column

I’m a 35-year-old man and my wife is 32. We’ve been together almost seven years, married for three, and we have a wonderful one-year-old. My wife is my best friend. There’s no one on this earth I enjoy talking to or spending time with more than her.

I’m a very active husband. I cook, I clean, I compliment my wife whenever I can, and I’m honestly head over heels for her. I’m committed to my family 1000% and I try to put their needs ahead of my own whenever possible. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I genuinely try to be the best husband and father I can be.

About a month ago I found out my wife had a short affair with someone from work. I discovered it after checking her phone one night. My gut told me something was wrong, and when I looked, there they were — the texts that absolutely shattered me.

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Here’s what my week looks like.

Monday to Friday I’m up at 5 a.m. for work. I feed the cats and leave, usually getting off around 4 p.m. Sometimes my wife asks me to pick her up from work. It’s a little out of the way, but I don’t mind. I used to be happy to do it.

She’ll often say she needs personal space after a long day. Fine. But she’ll get in the car talking on the phone with her parents, laughing and chatting the whole ride home. The second we park, she hangs up, goes inside, changes, and disappears into her room without even saying a word to me.

Meanwhile I feed the cats again, clean the litter box, cook dinner, wash the dishes, and then leave for my second job.

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Hi, I’m a 26-year-old male in a long-distance relationship with a 26-year-old woman. I tend to overthink about things she does. I really love her, but sometimes my overthinking leads to small issues.

For example, yesterday she had a function to attend, a wedding event for her friend, and she went with some of her friends. Because I’m protective of her, I asked how she was going and how she was coming, and she tells me everything.

She told me she would be coming with a bunch of her friends and told me the exact time she left the event. I know how much time it takes her to reach home from that event, approximately 15 minutes, but it took almost 45 minutes. She was online sometimes and didn’t even message me.

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My friend gets jealous of me very easily. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her every time I see her.

When she got angry, she would give others the silent treatment for however long she felt like it. It could be days, weeks, months or even years. She and I were talking about music. She got angry and jealous that I mentioned I have 2 electric guitars. I did not know that was going to be such a sensitive topic for her. She stopped talking to me for a year after that. She did not explain why she went silent.

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I’m 39 and I’ve never been in a relationship or been physically intimate with anyone. Not once.

I live in a major U.S. city and work as a senior engineer for a well-known tech company. On paper, my life looks solid. I make good money and have built a strong career. I go to a monthly board game meetup and volunteer at neighborhood cleanups. I try to be social. I ask people about their lives, suggest grabbing food after events, and make an effort to stay connected.

I work out most weekdays. I take care of myself. Good hygiene, a simple skincare routine, regular haircuts, clean clothes. I’m 5’9”, about 145 pounds, and in good shape. I’ve been on multiple dating apps for years and barely get any matches.

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I’ve always laughed off the term “work spouse,” but today something shifted. My coworker Laura made a joke that only we would get, and my first instinct wasn’t to tell my spouse—it was to keep it as our thing.

I realized I’ve been sharing more of my daily emotional highs and lows with someone at a desk than with the person I share a bed with. My spouse hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’ve been emotionally lazy. I’m shutting it down starting tomorrow.

Has anyone else caught themselves sliding into an emotional affair without realizing it? How did you fix the distance at home?

[Read more…] about “I realized today that I am a work-husband with a coworker and I feel sick about it”