Advice Column

I recently got a decent job and was excited to start saving—but when I got my first paycheck, my mom and stepdad took the cash without telling me. In return, they gave me their broken-down car, which felt more like getting rid of junk than a fair trade. I didn’t argue, just figured I’d start saving with the next check.

Now I have to buy groceries every week or risk being kicked out and losing my ride to work. I’ve been covering that, thinking I could still save a little. But then my mom wanted a new car, didn’t have enough money, and told me I had to cover the difference—or move out. I gave her all my savings and half my next check.

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We’ve been married for over six years and have known each other for more than a decade. While he earns more than I do, we split all our shared expenses down the middle, including the mortgage. He covers his own subscriptions and personal spending, and I do the same.

Lately, though, he’s been asking me to pay him back for gas. For instance, if we decide to grab dinner together, he’ll make a “joke” about me owing him for the gas—even if we took separate cars and he wasn’t that interested in going out in the first place. Most recently, after dropping me off and driving my car home, he noticed it was low on fuel and filled it up. Then he sent me a photo of the receipt and asked me to reimburse him.

Is this normal behavior in a marriage?

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Together 14 years, married for 11. I’m 41, he’s 40.

Last week, I got a notification on my phone from our doorbell camera. I watched as someone handed my husband a thick envelope and walked off. He came inside, pale and shaking, and told me it was from a collections attorney—something about unpaid loans.

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Last month, I ended my engagement and a four-year relationship because I could no longer handle the way his mother treated me.

She regularly made cruel comments about my career and my body. Any time he showed me even simple affection or said something kind, she’d respond with disgust or throw in a passive-aggressive jab like, “Do you really have to do that?” It was clear she didn’t think I was good enough for her son — and she didn’t hide it. More than once, she told me directly. I’ll never forget her saying, “Mama will always be number one.”

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Over the last year or so it’s like my husband’s default has become to disagree with me/question me about everything, especially very mundane things. Some examples:

Refused to add toilet paper to the grocery list since we “already had some”. We’re currently using the last roll.

Says he doesn’t like dinner tonight because I used pasta from the orange box. I didn’t. He insists I did until I pull the box I used out of the trash.

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I’m a 38-year-old woman who’s been with a 40-year-old man for 16 years. We have two daughters (4 and 8). I always wanted to be married before having kids, but he convinced me otherwise — saying he feared I wouldn’t want kids if we married first. I gave in, and I’ve regretted it ever since.

For years I’ve felt depressed and disposable, but the feelings got worse last summer before our 16th anniversary. I think about it every day — feeling like I’m not good enough to be loved fully. I’m a stay-at-home mom and financially dependent on him, so leaving isn’t simple.

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